There are a million reasons to celebrate in New York:
Steve no longer having testicular cancer
was just one of them.
I only have one ball left.
I don't care who wins.
It's me and you after this.
It all comes down to just one little ball.
Who wants a beer?
One ball? One ball?
I wasn't thinking. Was he upset?
- Embarrassed, I think. - No need. He's still got one.
- They come in a set like earrings. - I'd be sitting at home depressed.
Why would you be depressed
if you were perfectly healthy
but had to live without balls?
I was talking to Aidan.
Maybe it's bullshit,
but I might feel less of a man.
Hanging glands don't make somebody a man.
I once went out with a guy
with the biggest balls I've seen. Complete pussy.
- How big? - Huge.
I could barely fit one in my mouth.
Welcome to my world.
The irony is that women don't care that much about balls.
- Do you, Carrie? - Except for yours. I'm into yours.
I have never met a man who wasn't into his balls.
"Oh yeah, baby, that's it.
"Grab my big balls. Lick them, pull them."
- You pull the balls? - They like it. I went out with...
- I'm sure you did. - Let her finish.
She's done. Now, I'm thinking,
balls are to men
what purses are to women.
Just a little bag, but we'd feel naked in public without it.
Samantha Jones.
- How are you? - Great.
- Everyone, this is... - Allan. Allan Janice.
- Right. We... - Fucked.
Fucked!
I knew I knew you. How the hell are you?
Just designed a Richard Wright hotel.
I've been trying to meet him for months. Who's doing his PR?
He's talking to Brad Rosen.
He's a hack. Get me a meeting?
- I'll do what I can. - Good seeing you.
- Allan. - I know.
On Park Avenue, a different reason for celebrating.
I told him when I hire a contractor, I expect him to finish on time.
Good, honey. Sometimes they need to hear it from a man.
A little more moo shu, my moo shu?
I told my doctor how frustrated we were that we weren't pregnant yet.
She said the easiest thing to do is to test your sperm.
Charlotte, I'm eating.
Can I have my moo shu without a side of sperm?
Why are you getting so mad?
It's only been three months!
Why leap to the conclusion that the problem is me?
I'm not. It's just easier to test the man first, less invasive.
I'm sure your sperm is fine. It's better than fine, it's fantastic.
This subject matter has put me off my dinner.
Excuse me.
- Honey. - Not now!
- Do men? - Do men what?
- Like them pulled? - How do I know?
- Do you? - Do I what?
- Like them pulled? - How do I know?
Let's give them a little tug and see.
You want to give them a tug?
- You'll do it too hard! - No.
All right.
You've been saved by the bell.
How can we hurt you?
Hello?
It's me. Sorry to call you this late. Is Carrie there?
- Just a sec. - Who is it?
It's me. I need to talk to you.
It's not a good time. We're about to go to bed.
- Willow is fucking with my head. Please. - All right.
He's having girlfriend problems. I'll be just a minute.
Apparently, dating a movie star makes you as crazy as dating anyone else.
She's in town. We were going to meet, she hasn't got back to me.
- Did you call her? - I called all five of her numbers.
She never answers. Here's the thing.
She can reach me, but I can't ever get her.
- Maybe she never got your... - You don't get it.
She can reach me,
but I can't get her. Ever!
- How fucked up is that? - I don't know. Very?
- I thought everything was great. - It was.
I flew out to LA to take her to that MTV award thing.
I'd better feel sorry for you soon.
Then she dissed me. I was following her around like a goddamn dog.
Just one more minute.
- Listen to this message she left me. - I've got to go to bed.
Listen to this.
I miss you. I can't wait until I'm in New York in your arms.
- I'm in a New York state of mind. - New York state of mind?
- Billy Joel. We love that song. - Goodnight.
- Shall I call her? - No. Goodnight.
I'm sorry. You still want me to give them a little pull?
Why did you take the phone in there?
I know you don't like him calling.
You tell me nothing's going on, then nothing's going on.
- You don't have to run in the closet. - I didn't run.
I went in there because I know how uncomfortable it makes you.
Uncomfortable for me or you?
Me, yes. I'm uncomfortable. I don't want you to feel threatened.
- You think I'm threatened by him? - Not threatened.
- I could take him. - Who said anything about taking him?
When Batman and the Green Hornet fought,
everyone expected Batman to win because of his gadgets.
But the Green Hornet had the moves. I'm the Green Hornet.
Plus, I've got Pete and he's like Kato.
Aren't you, boy? Come here! Who's your buddy?
He's got him, he's got him!
What do superheroes have to do with it?
It's a guy thing. In order to deal with Big,
- he became the Green Lantern. - Hornet.
I don't care if he's the Green Bee.
I just wish there was a way for Aidan to understand
that he has nothing to worry about.
Maybe I should get Big, him and me together.
Did you have a big plate of crazy for lunch?
We could all talk. Aidan could see once and for all that I love him,
- and Big and I are just friends. - I don't know.
Keeping my relationship with Big in the closet only makes things worse.
Guys don't talk, they fight.
It's all that crazy testosterone. God bless it.
We're having Trey's sperm tested.
Is it not doing well in school?
We discussed it over dinner and he blew up.
One minute he was perfectly happy. The next, furious.
It's a side of Trey I've never seen. It's about the sperm.
That area is like a minefield!
That afternoon, I thought about my friends:
body image depression, mood swings,
phones calls obsessing about a relationship.
Did I mention these are my male friends?
Maybe men and women aren't from different planets.
Maybe we live closer to each other.
Perhaps, dare I say it, in the same zip code.
In view of current circumstances, I wondered:
are men just women with balls?
Look at that dog's sack.
No, thank you.
You can't enter a dog in a show if it's only got one ball.
- Where did you hear that? - Around.
They even make fake dog balls.
They make them for humans, too.
- I'm thinking about getting one. - Why would you do that?
Women get breast implants.
Trust me. I've been to the area.
I wouldn't know if you had one or four.
But I know, every time I look down at my nuts...
Correction: nut. I look all lopsided.
Women don't care!
We care about nice arms, great eyes, big dick.
I have never heard a woman say, "He had such a big, full scrotum."
I made an appointment with the doctor. Will you go with me?
Where? Testicle shopping?
Samantha got her meeting with hotel magnate Richard Wright,
smart, tough, a real ball-buster.
I've enjoyed meeting you. But truth be told,
- your résumé's all fluff. - Fluff?
- It's just parties and social events. - What do you do in your hotels?
Nuclear fission?
I admit I'm intrigued. If I wasn't,
you'd have been in the lobby ten minutes ago. Here's an idea.
I'm talking to Brad Rosen. You two could share the work.
Five hotels. It's a big job.
I know it's a big job. That's why I'm still here and not in the lobby.
I appreciate your offer but I don't need a partner.
Read between the lines, Ms Jones. I deal with a lot of business...men.
What are you saying?
That businessmen would be more comfortable
dealing with a woman working next to a man?
You have a lot to offer.
You might want to consider working with a partner
who isn't so emotional.
"Emotional" is code for "l don't want to hire a woman."
At my firm they think you'll cry over a legal brief.
- Have you ever cried? - Only in the privacy of my office.
I cried once at the gallery. Once in ten years.
From then on, it was, "Careful! Don't make Charlotte cry!"
I've never cried at work.
I fake cried when I missed a deadline.
I said I was having a bad time at home,
but was having a good time in the Hamptons.
- That makes us look bad. - It was 80° and sunny.
If a guy gets angry, he's a pistol. A woman, she's emotional.
If I say, "That's not high enough", they say, "Don't make Charlotte cry."
Does he think I'll get my period and ruin his empire?
Men... Wait, let me rephrase that. Some men...
That'll look better on a court transcript of this dinner.
Some are threatened by strong women.
They have to make her just a woman again, hence,
"You're too emotional."
I'm going back in guns blazing, cool, calm, collected.
I'm going to impress him so much, he'll beg me to take the job.
Just don't cry. Once in ten years!
I've got to run or I'll miss my ride with Aidan.
Then there'll be some tears.
Next day, while Aidan was tearing down the shed,
I was tearing through "lnStyle" with Big's big movie star on the cover.
- It's me. - What's the matter?
I got the number off your machine. Where's area code 845?
- We're in the country. - On a Thursday?
Long weekend. What's wrong?
She broke it off. She said she never wants to see me again.
- I'm so sorry. - I don't know what I did.
She won't return my calls.
She can reach me, but I can't get her.
You mentioned that.
She's crazy, I'm telling you. She has the eyes of a crazy person.
I was such a chump! I really put myself out there
and she drop-kicked me right in the heart.
- When are you coming back? - Monday.
Not till Monday?
Fuck.
I would invite you out here but it's just so far away.
How far?
40 minutes, if there's no traffic.
But with the weekenders, an hour, maybe even two.
- It's Thursday afternoon. - Don't you have to work?
I have to see you. I'll get my Jag out.
Maybe the drive will do me good. I'll come up for an hour, we'll talk,
then I'll head home.
How do I get there?
Better close these windows up. It's going to rain.
Did I hear the phone ring?
- Who was it? - It was Batman.
I invited him up.
I didn't mean to. I just got trapped.
That crazy movie star broke up with him.
He's devastated, has no one to talk to. Before I knew it,
I told him to make a right at the sign for farm fresh squash.
- I don't want him in my house. - I understand.
He's going to come up here, we'll have a quick talk,
then he'll go right back to the city.
You're my man. And I love you.
He's just a friend in pain.
I wouldn't do this, but he's hurting. Haven't you had a girl break your...?
He'd better be upset when he gets here. There'd better be tears.
Thank you.
Let's go, Pete.
He's got some balls coming up here.
The prosthesis approximates the weight, shape and feel of a normal testicle.
I'm sorry. I dropped the ball.
It comes in four sizes: extra small, small, medium and large.
I'd be a...
Miranda, what would I be?
- Medium? - I was thinking large.
I'm really not an expert. Large, then.
Medium? Really?
A large medium, Steve.
To get this model, you have to enrol in a clinical trial.
- Excuse me? - It's still being tested for safety.
I assure you, it's perfectly safe.
- He says it's perfectly safe. - They said that about the Ford Pinto.
Think about it. You want a Pinto near your penis?
In a different urologist's office at the exact same time...
Is everything OK? The nurse said you wanted to see me.
I'm afraid our problem has reared its ugly head.
I can't seem to rise to the occasion.
Let's not assume it's the same problem.
- I bought you this. - "Juggs"?
- I know how much you like them. - You knew I'd have a problem.
I just came prepared. Look.
She's got big boobs. So does she.
- It's the big boob bonanza issue. - It's not that.
What, honey?
I'm afraid to. I don't think I can handle another problem in that area.
Don't worry, Trey MacDougal.
I'm sure that you have very strong, Scottish sperm.
And if you don't,
we can just spin them and whip them up
and do whatever it is you sexy doctor types do.
That's good.
Keep doing that.
- Do that thing I like. - Which thing?
You know, you give a little tug.
It turned out Trey's Scottish sperm was fine.
Better than fine: fantastic.
Where's the cup?
I have to admit you're the best person for the job,
but I'm not going to hire you.
- Give me one legitimate reason why. - Do I have to say it?
Yes. I'd like to hear the words come out of your mouth.
You slept with my architect.
It turns out Samantha was wrong. Men do talk.
- I don't want to get into all that. - lnto all what?
It happened 100 years ago. I barely know the guy.
How does my personal life affect your business?
More accurately, how does your personal life affect your business?
It's too bad. Other than that, you had the job.
You know what? If I was a guy, you would have shaken my hand,
bought me a Scotch and given me a key to an office.
It's amazing. A man with innovative vision can be so short-sighted.
Ms Jones, wait!
But she couldn't wait. She could feel the tears building up inside her.
Not so fast!
The next day, Richard Wright hired Samantha.
He told her he admired her balls.
When Big still hadn't arrived two hours later,
I was secretly praying he had missed the sign for farm fresh squash.
Then there it was: the Batmobile.
Maybe he doesn't want to come in and meet your dad.
- What are you doing sitting here? - Waiting for you.
Why don't you come in?
I don't want to go in. Let's go have a drink.
A drink where? Ye olde country lemonade stand?
Why are you listening to that?
Come inside, we'll talk.
- Is he in there? - Yes.
I can't talk in front of him.
Yes, you can. And you better.
Come on. Let's go.
Come on!
Shit!
An hour and two bottles of red wine later, Big started talking.
Unfortunately, it was mostly to himself.
...a product of vegan diet discipline.
Vegan diet bullshit.
- Give me the magazine. - Wait, listen to this.
I'm looking for that someone special.
She's not looking for anybody. Bullshit.
- Any more wine? - No.
Let's go have a drink and a smoke sometime.
You can't smoke in the house.
- You can't smoke in the house. - That's cool.
Guess I'd better head back.
Thanks.
Look at him. He can't drive.
What are you doing? You can't drive.
- Call my driver. - We're an hour outside New York.
- You'll have to sleep on the couch. - Better not.
He doesn't want me here.
You can't drive. Sleep on the couch.
That's cool.
After the ball plan backfired, Miranda took Steve out to dinner.
Here's the book I was talking about. "A Positive Outlook To Healing".
- I'm starting to hit my limit. - I know.
I was just really counting on that fake ball.
Every time I look down there, I feel...
What?
This may be hard for you to understand.
But who's going to fuck a uni-ball bartender?
Miranda realised the thing to do to help Steve
didn't involve books or balls.
- What's that pounding? - Aidan's shooting hoops.
Isn't it a little early?
You have to make friends with him.
What are you talking about?
We're middle-aged men. We have nothing in common.
You have me in common. If you and Aidan don't become friendly,
I can't stay in your life.
How do I do this?
You're a guy. He's a guy. There's a ball. Figure it out.
I'm sorry about last night. I guess I got drunk.
I didn't mean to come up and ruin your weekend.
You play hoop? Give me a shot. I play.
A little muddy. I guess from that rain.
- That was a little hard. - That wasn't hard.
There they were: Batman and the Green Bee.
Stop!
Stop it!
Stop it! You're middle-aged!
That dog just bit my ass!
Just like that, Kato stopped the fight.
And the thing is
she could reach me, but I could never get her.
Day or night, whenever,
she could reach me. I couldn't get her. See?
That's fucked up.
Somehow, the storm had passed
and I never fully understood why.
Maybe men and women don't live in the same zip code,
but we're moving closer.
Good eggs.