Two years ago, my friend Susan Sharon...
...the East Coast rep for a line of Italian cashmere sportswear...
...married a mean man.
What did I tell you about Iistening to my CDs?
You put Natalie Imbruglia back in U2!
Now, I only see her once or twice a year...
...generally when her husband is out of town.
Now, I can't remember if I've taken my Halcion before dinner or not.
So I take another one, I have a cocktail, I'm feeling no pain.
The next thing I know, this freaked out stewardess is slapping me awake.
I open my eyes, I Iook around the plane, it's completely empty.
-We'd Ianded in Milan 30 minutes ago. -My God.
Come up to my apartment because I have something for you.
The place Iooks fantastic!
Richard's asleep.
In here?
Susan Sharon and her husband had one of those very adult apartments...
...that made me feel like I was 16 visiting the home of a friend...
...whose parents thought I was a bad influence.
Happy birthday, Carrie.
You didn't have to.
I know it's a Iittle early.
It's beautiful.
It's 100 percent Italian cashmere and Iight as a feather.
God, I Iove it.
It's a "cashmere-ical."
-Guess what Barneys gets for this. -Don't tell me.
-$900. -$900 for a scarf? No.
-Do you mind if I return it? I need cash. -Why not?
Why do you think they call it "cash-mere"?
-What the hell is going on? -Sorry, honey.
-But Carrie had this idea about returning-- -What...
...was our agreement about visitors after 9:00 p.m.?
-I know, it's her birthday. -I'm on London time!
I've got to be up in three hours when the markets open.
I'd really appreciate it if you'd take the fucking noise somewhere else.
-I'II call you. -Just ignore him. You don't have to Ieave.
It's okay.
-Goodnight, Grumpy. -Get the fuck out of my house!
Taunting the psychotic spouse, I realized, was not a wise move.
Just shut the fuck up!
I wondered...
...could their marriage be that bad, or was their fighting a form of foreplay?
In which case, I was merely the catalyst to get things going.
I am so sorry.
I'm so embarrassed.
Don't be.
He's just tired and cranky.
That was classic Richard:
Tyrannical, emotionally abusive. I don't know what to do anymore.
Maybe there were special circumstances tonight.
He works hard. He's sleep deprived.
BIah, blah, blah. I don't give a shit!
What would you do? Would you Ieave?
If things didn't change....
They haven't, and they won't.
Do you think I should Ieave him?
If you're not happy, you know, Iife's too short.
I gotta go.
As I hung up, I realized I had been placed in a classic no-win situation.
Telling a friend to Ieave her husband is something you just don't do.
If they do break up, it's your fault.
If they don't, she knows you think they should...
...and therefore, can't speak to you again. You're screwed.
It's a shame. There goes your cashmere connection.
She had me at a weak moment. I was tired, I'd been chased out of her apartment.
I have a birthday Iooming.
-I said too much. -No, in an intimate relationship...
-...you should be able to say anything. -I disagree.
Practically all the relationships I know are based on a foundation of Iies...
...and mutual delusion.
James and me, for instance. I pretend he doesn't have a small dick.
He pretends not to notice we haven't had sex in weeks.
You should join the U.N.
I'm in an intimate relationship at the moment...
...and I can tell you, the Ievel of verbal discourse has become a Iittle too intimate.
-Are we speaking of Spring Roll Guy? -Who's that?
Aaron Melman.
He's a dermatologist I met at the Vietnamese Iunch truck outside my office.
What's the problem?
The problem, if you can call it that...
...is Spring Roll Guy liked to talk dirty in bed.
Baby, I just Iove the way your pussy feels.
So wet...
...and warm...
...and tight.
Kissing your beautiful tits feels unbelievably sexy.
So hot and nasty.
How's it feel to you?
What you said.
That can be a turn on.
Sure, but now he wants me to reciprocate.
I can't. I never could.
Why not?
Because sex is not a time to chat.
It's one of the few instances in my overly articulated, exceedingly verbal Iife...
...where it is perfectly appropriate, if not preferable, to shut up.
Now I have to worry about being stumped for conversation?
No, thank you.
Just talk about his big cock.
Correction, his big, beautiful cock.
-We're using the "C" word now? -Sorry.
-I can't use adjectives. -A simple, "You're so hard," is effective.
-Sometimes men need encouragement. -Such as?
You know....
"Yes, stud, that's right.
"Don't stop, just Iike that. C'mon, fucker, don't stop."
You're kidding, right?
No, they Iike it.
So, are you really telling us...
...that during sex you're completely mute?
No, I can do a good orgasm alert.
"I'm gonna cum, I'm gonna cum."
But that's because I'm gonna cum.
Anything else feels Iike make believe.
If you really Iike this guy, you're gonna have to start talking.
Was Miranda right?
Have we put such a premium on being open and honest with one another...
...that we've misplaced the boundaries of propriety?
Are there still certain things in a relationship one should never say?
My best friend got engaged to the biggest Ioser.
What am I supposed to say? "You're marrying an imbecile?"
My wife, she's had her breasts done twice.
They Iook fantastic, they feel Iike shit.
I keep that thought to myself.
I'm single, 38, and still hoping to get married. I don't want to know the truth.
I told Richard I couldn't spend another day married to a man who is an utter asshole.
There it was, standing across from me.
Biscotti-eating, cashmere-swaddled proof that I had said too much.
-Then what happened? -Once I said that, the floodgates opened.
He said that at our wedding, when he Iooked at me...
...he felt a huge wave of disappointment because I Iooked so generic.
I said, "On second thought...
"...I don't think the Rogaine is working."
He said that if I Ieave, all he'II feel for me is pity...
...because he'II be remarried within a year and I'II be single for the rest of my Iife.
I didn't want to tell Susan Sharon that his last statement was probably true.
I just feel Iike I owe you so much.
If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have had the guts to do this.
It's Iike I was under house arrest for years and now I'm free.
What are you gonna do?
Do you mind if I stay at your place?
Of course not.
That evening, as Susan Sharon squatted on my couch...
...Charlotte came home to the new male in her life.
Fed up with lonely mornings, cuddle-free nights...
...and the lack of unconditional love she longed for...
...Charlotte took matters into her own hands.
She combed the city for the perfect specimen of breeding, style and trendiness.
Henry, I'm home.
Hi, my good boy.
Until she found the perfect man, Charlotte would have the perfect dog.
That night, Samantha, who was never good at keeping a secret...
...found the one thing she couldn 't say was the only thing she could think about.
Sweetheart, is anything wrong? If there is, I want you to tell me.
No, honey, I'm tired.
I feel Iike you've become so distant, Iike you're upset with me about something.
I'm sorry. It's not you, it's me.
I'm not upset about anything.
You're wonderful.
Will you come see a couple's counselor with me?
Samantha dreaded the shrink the way most people feared the dentist.
If it's really important to you--
Great.
Goodnight.
She longed for the simple days...
...of emotional unavailability and hot one-night stands.
Meanwhile, across town, Miranda was appearing as Eliza Doolittle...
...in My Filthy Lady.
I just Iove kissing this sensitive spot right here.
Do you Iike that?
Tell me what you Iike.
That.
You Iike my hand there, caressing your breast?
Sure.
Gently pinching your nipple.
Fine.
Kissing my chest.
That's hot. That really turns me on.
How's it feel?
Hot?
Hot.
And?
-Hairy? -God, you're getting me hard.
Tell me how it feels.
Big.
And?
Hard?
-Rock hard. -Keep talking.
A big rock.
A hard rock.
A big, hard rock.
-A sausage. -Baby, you are so nasty.
Surprisingly, once Miranda opened her mouth, it was difficult to shut up.
A big, throbbing, rock-hard sausage.
That night, I took Susan Sharon to meet the new male in Charlotte's life.
True to form, he was already falling far short of her high expectations.
He did it a minute ago.
He was inconsistent...
Get the ball.
...selfishly stubborn, and hopelessly codependent.
Isn't he smart?
We can't stay, I want to be at your place if Richard calls.
Aren't you Ieaving him?
If he calls, I want to say I won't talk to him.
That's passive aggressive. You should only talk if you have something to say.
-Do you believe I married a prick? -You didn't know he was a prick.
I just can't believe that prick hasn't called.
AIthough, he does have this sweet side. You just don't know him very well.
Did I do the right thing, Henry? Should I give him another chance--
He's a dog, not an oracle.
The next morning, I woke up to an unsettling birthday surprise.
Coming.
Sign here.
Thank you.
My God.
"Best wishes on your birthday."
It's from Big.
-What kind of flowers? -Roses, red.
Big.
Expensive.
-What do you think it means? -It means rip up the card.
And watch out for the thorns.
No, this is the grand gesture.
The grand gesture?
If you break up, and he disappears from your Iife...
...it wasn't meant to be.
But if they make a powerful declaration of their Iove, then you have to reconsider.
You think a dozen roses and a card saying, "Best wishes" qualifies as a grand gesture?
You know men. They can never say, "I was wrong." They just send flowers.
Sometimes a rose is just a rose.
Jewelry, that's another story.
Henry, no.
Henry, no, not the purse.
I really don't need this on my birthday.
What does this mean, the ball's in my court or something?
I don't want to play games.
This is not the grand gesture. This is the vague gesture...
...which is worse than no gesture.
Under the guise of thoughtfulness, he's being very selfish.
I agree, he's muddied the waters.
You're all just cuckoo. He sends flowers on her birthday and you condemn him.
Henry, no. No, damn it.
For chrissake, give the dog a break.
He's eaten four pairs of shoes. I don't want him starting on purses.
Damn it, now. We're gonna go home.
You wanted to get out and socialize, but you'II have to Iearn to behave.
Speaking of cuckoo....
Charlotte was at the point where she was starting to see the real Henry.
But she did raise a valid question.
Was, "I was wrong, " the one thing Mr. Big couldn 't say?
I realized that just because we were no longer together...
...didn 't mean I couldn 't be polite.
It's me.
Carrie.
How are you?
Great. I wanted to call and thank you for the flowers.
That was thoughtful of you.
My secretary had it on her calendar, so I, you know....
Your secretary sent them?
I sent the flowers, my secretary alerted me to the day.
That was very thoughtful of her and you for sending them.
You're welcome. What are you doing on the big day?
Stanford's arranged this party down at Layla, that Moroccan restaurant.
You should come.
The instant the words popped out of my mouth, I regretted them.
I made plans already.
Or not. I mean, just forget it.
I could stop by Iater.
Fine. Whatever.
I may bring someone.
Come and bring that person and maybe I'II see you Iater.
Thank you again for the thoughtful flowers.
I couldn't believe it.
I had just invited my ex and his date to my birthday party.
As if getting older wasn't traumatic enough.
That afternoon in the office of Velma Rudin...
...celebrated psychologist and author of In-to-me-see...
...A Couple's Guide to Intimacy...
...Samantha did her best not to say the thing she knew she shouldn 't say.
I've noticed that our sex Iife has diminished.
That's normal, isn't it? I mean, after a while--
How Iong has it been?
A month.
Don't take it all so seriously.
Have fun with your sexuality.
Have you tried playing erotic games?
Samantha almost confessed that James...
...had been playing "hide the salami" since they met.
I'm just not feeling very sexual these days.
I saw you masturbating the other day when I came out of the shower.
Many women are simply unable to achieve orgasm through intercourse.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
You have a problem with intimacy.
No, that's not it.
-What is it? -It's nothing.
Nothing you say can hurt me, as Iong as it's what you're feeling.
That seems to be all the time we have for today.
Nice work, you two.
Shall we say next week, same time?
Good for me.
The idea of seeing Velma "In-to-me-see" Rudin on a weekly basis...
...was much more than Samantha could bear.
Your penis is too small.
Excuse me?
It doesn't--and it just--it can't.
I can't.
It's just too damn small.
Did you ever stop to think that maybe your vagina is too big?
What can I say? I need a big dick.
I hear that.
As Samantha paid the price of mentioning the unmentionable...
...Miranda discovered that free speech comes with a cost of its own.
I just Iove putting my hand around your cock.
I just Iove hearing you say "cock."
Your big hard cock.
Cock, cock, cock.
Why couldn't I ever say that before?
It's just a word.
Why does it turn us both on when I say it?
What else do you Iike?
I Iike it when you're rough.
When you throw my Iegs over your head, I Iose control.
What do I Iike?
You Iike it when I'm biting your nipple.
What else?
You Iike it when I'm kissing your balls.
Keep going.
You really Iike it when I slip my finger in your ass.
Excuse me?
You just Iove a finger in your ass.
How could I know, "You Iove a finger in your ass"...
...is the one thing you can't say?
Trust me, that's not the only thing.
-But it's true, he enjoys it. -So do a Iot of men.
They enjoy it, but don't want it brought to their attention.
Personally, I don't Iike anything in my ass.
I know that may come as a surprise.
I just feel so betrayed.
He wanted me to talk dirty, I got into it, then he pulled the rug out from under me.
Men are so frustratingly inconsistent. That's why I Iove my Henry.
He's a big Iove bug. You tell him anything and he Iicks your face.
Charlotte, you may be onto something.
Another double vodka rocks for the birthday girl.
The truth was, vodka was my only ally.
At any moment, Big was gonna walk in with his gorgeous date...
...smile at me like some distant stranger and say something crushing--
Happy birthday, baby.
GIad you could make it.
I can't stay Iong.
I Ieft my camel outside.
You remember Jack?
Jack is your date?
I wasn't aware we were formally dating, but--
It is so good to see you again.
How have you been?
Marvelous, I split up with a bitch who broke my heart. She didn't get my money.
Happy birthday to me.
An hour later, my Arabian Nights fantasy...
...birthday felt like Midnight Express.
-How are you? -Great.
How are you?
Good. Fine.
Good.
Excuse me, what is your ex doing at your birthday?
I told him to drop by for a drink.
I didn't think he'd stay for a Iap dance.
My God, have you tried the baba ganooj?
It is to die for.
I don't eat baba ganooj.
You don't know what you're missing.
I can't believe the bastard dared to come.
I can't believe what she does with her navel.
PIease, I'm about to Iose my couscous.
While I watched my ex get a Mesopotamian lap dance...
...Susan Sharon made a play for Mr. Marvelous.
I can't deal with being single all over again.
Every relationship has its ups and downs.
My husband and I work very hard.
We probably don't spend enough damn time together.
Compounded by the fact that neither of us gets enough sleep. Then again, who does?
I really never imagined myself as a divorcee, you know?
It's more important to till your own soil than to go in search of greener pastures.
Do you ever shut the fuck up?
In that moment, Susan Sharon realized she desperately missed her husband.
That night, Charlotte came home to a very unpleasant surprise.
Bad!
Charlotte realized, like so many males before him...
...Henry had shit all over her perfect world.
He and Charlotte soon parted ways.
The one thing she could never say was, "I got rid of the puppy."
We all know what happened to him.
He'd become the glue that put Susan Sharon and her husband back together.
Shut up.
Shut the fuck up.
Although neither of them could admit that a dog saved their marriage.
Later that evening, as my birthday passed into the early hours of just another day...
...I found myself alone on the street with Mr. Big.
Another year older.
And none the wiser.
That's the way it goes.
-Can I give you a ride home? -No, I'm just gonna grab a cab.
-Do you need cab fare? -No, I'm okay.
Good, because I think I Ieft all my $20 in that belly dancer's crotch.
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
As I watched him go, I realized the one thing I couldn't say to Mr. Big was...
... "I'm still not over you. "
